I just need to vent

My chest hurts.

My head hurts.

My eyes hurt.

I've been crying because I just feel like I can't do anything right- I'm still totally in love with someone and I don't even exist in his eyes- (with the exception of the occasional "hello").
I have no idea how to make him notice me in a way that's other than a friend...I want him to be mine, I want to cook him dinner and ask him how his day was and be held in his arms and receive that warm kiss...
I accidentally yelled at my mother and my grandfather who I love to death because they were in my way and causing me to screw up dinner. I've asked everyone hundreds of times to just get out of my way when I'm cooking and when I'm cleaning but it just doesn't seem to get through to them... I'm sorry that I can't control my temper when people don't listen, SORRY!
I miss my aunt Jen; I want her home so that I can have at least one friend to talk to...
I can't stand my cousins anymore, my friends are all douche's, I get uncomfortable with my mother about sexual/relationship things and somehow every time I try and talk to my grandmother about things with me it revolves back to her and her childhood and how fucked up it was... My grandfather, is a man, and I have to yell to talk to him so there's just nothing that I can say without yelling it so the whole neighborhood can hear... I have no father, yes I have a stepfather, but it's just not the same...I've never gone to him with a problem of mine and I'm sorry but I just can't do that now...He's too immature... My "brother" isn't around anymore and even if he was, he's a man, I don't think this is something for a man to handle... (haha, manhandle).

I really want to go see a shrink but I don't know who to go to and I don't know how or when...

My other issue is that I can't get death off the brain...During the day I'm having fun, playing video games, watching tv, cleaning, singing loudly to my music and playing on the wii...But at night, I lay down and try and drift off into fantasy land and dream about him, but- I start to think about life, dying, death, what it will feel like to die...I'm so afraid to die, there's so many things I want to do in this life- so many questions left unanswered.
Mom says that when I die and go to heaven, I won't worry anymore and I wont have any questions...But right now I have questions...
Of course one of the #1 questions is "what is the meaning of life?"
Will all of my questions be answered or will I just not care?
What will we do all day?
Do we sleep?
Do we eat?
Do we bathe?
How will we know what to do and when to do it?
Why were we created the way we were?
Why didn't God just eliminate Satan when he started having those thoughts so that we could truly have a perfect earth?
If we're controlled by a higher power (he knows everything) why are we able to chose for ourselves and make our own decisions?
If you're a Christian, but you're also gay or have strange feelings for the same sex, do you go to heaven?
If you go to hell, are you able to come back/go to heaven by putting your faith in the Lord?
The list goes on...

Sometimes I just wonder, "What's the point in everyday things we do if we're just going to die?"
But that's the wrong way of thinking about life...

Then these other questions pop into mind like, "What if...?"
What if we just disappear? What's it like to just not be here?

My head just never stops thinking and I suppose that's one of the reasons I'm so...so...depressed...